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Sunday, May 27, 2012 | Personal
Of God, tears, and self
The better part of me... that sensible, responsible face of who I am, always whispers into my ear each night to beckon me to sleep earlier. To climb into that soft malleable surface covered with my striped quilt, and let my body and mind rest at a decent hour.
The thing is, I am intrinsically a night person. Sleeping too early is a foreign concept that my body likes to reject.
You see, I enjoy how quiet the space that surrounds me becomes when the night is pitch black, and there is only my amber bed light switched on to my right. I like how the only thing that meets my ears is the whirring of the fan/heater, and the clock's longest hand monotonously soldiers ahead to each second on its face. It is moments like these that my mind truly gets its space to think. To ponder over the day's happenings, to revisit the conversations shared, to read, to laugh over a light hearted comedy on my laptop...
In some strange sense, this is part of my 'me-time'. It is late, but I do love it. Because in the manic of photography, life, family, friends, and everything else that my 24 hours entails, it refreshes the soul. There are no phone calls. No people to attend to. It is silent. And I don't just mean silent in that void-of-physical sound kind of way. But silent in the sense that everything is still. Life as I know it, pauses, while the sun sleeps.
Tonight, is one of those nights where I crave that 'me-time'. To think. To reflect. And in my thoughts tonight, for the first time in a very long time, a long forgotten nemesis paid me a visit. I call him Self Doubt.
I hate him. He makes me feel like I am worth less. That I do not make the cut. And that really, when it comes down to it in simple man's terms...I am just not good enough.
In that instance, I have to admit, I was tempted to curl up and shed a tear. But let out two.
It hurts when your self worth is crushed.
But God is so wonderful. I share this because in moments when it is so easy to wallow in self pity, saving grace tonight came in the form of beautiful prose from God's word himself. Like a father who picks up his child when she cries from falling down, and is then soothed and comforted, I am restored in much the same way when my eyes met these words:
I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.....
....In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears...
...You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights...
...Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.
[Extracted from Psalm: 18]
They are such beautiful words. If I knew how to write music, these words would provide such perfect lyrics to the melody I'd love to sing.
Thank you God, that I am whole in your eyes. That I am seen as perfect in your eyes because of Jesus Christ.
Thank you, that tonight, you have chased away what self doubt tried to robbed of me. And more importantly, for reminding me that I am rich in you, no matter what stains others try to paint on me. For that, I sleep better knowing it is you who restores and sustains broken souls like mine. I love you so much.